Faith

I just need to realize what faith is. I have never had to compete so much to understand or hear God. Every day it has been a constant battle. I have been talking and trying to listen, but I can never seem to hear him. I think that I have been filling my life with too many small things lately that it has caused a whirlwind of perspective. I have started concentrated on what I could be instead of who I am. I cannot understand why my life had been so different lately. I find myself constantly thinking of the consequences of the future when I have always lived my life by the minute. Life is a gift, and can tell myself that over and over, but it’s the idea of slowing down to understand that. That is the real challenge. Can I make myself realize what is important? My future is shaped by my present, but if I wonder so much about the future in my present, how can I have a future? It seems like it would be impossible to have a future if the present is never lived. Life was so enjoyable when I walked along and took in every moment as a gift instead of worrying about what the moment would offer me. The future to me is my form of greed. I want so much to be successful that I don’t realize that in the way I was living my life before I was totally successful. Since my constant battles with my thoughts have occurred, I have lost my connection with God. He was the one I thought about every morning when I woke up, and every evening when I would fall asleep. He was the reason that I loved my life, and that I am eternally grateful for life. Now thoughts of what I have to do in my entire day pace through my mind raiding any thought I could have of God. I hate it. I hate having to feel pressured. I love life when I realize that God will never judge me on what I do, but only how I do. I have to admit writing this down makes it more real, and more manageable. After spending time writing this, I have realized what faith is. Faith is now, it is real. It is something that the future does not consider, but the present yearns for. It is everything that makes me who I am, and everything that I had forgotten. Realizing that it was everything that I wanted is hard. To an extent I think I will always worry about the future, but I think understanding faith is what will keep me grounded. I think that I will be able to understand why I could not hear God. I need to be still now, not in the future. Listen. I will wait, and listen for his whisper every moment.